Riddick, now starring in Phantom of the Opera
by Magicflute
Summary: This is a oneshot parody I wrote after watching Phantom of the Opera with G. Butler. May I be forgiven.


**Richard B. Riddick now starring in Phantom of the Opera**

Disclaimer: Owns nothing, writes lots, just fooling around.

This is a one-shot I wrote after watching the excellent Phantom of the Opera with Gerard Butler (french version, the singers are better. Love G. Butler but his singing is worse than Vin Diesel's. Says something...)

**The Mirror Scene**

CHRISTINE (ecstatic):

"Angel of Music! Guide and guardian!

Grant to me your glory! Angel of Music! Hide no longer!

Come to me, strange angel..."

RIDDICK's (PHANTOM"S) VOICE:

"I am your Angel ...Come to me: Angel of Music ..."

CHRISTINE goes cross-eyed, starts drooling, wets her panties and walks towards the glowing, shimmering glass.

Meanwhile, RAOUL has returned. He hears the voices and is puzzled. He tries the door. It is locked.

RAOUL: "Whose is that voice . . .?" _She's got a lover!_

"Who is that in there . . .?" _I've distinctly heard a man inside there._

Inside the room the mirror opens. Behind it, in an inferno of shadows and interesting flashes of red light, stands RIDDICK, dressed up in his usual garb, and holding the little PHANTOM mask before shined eyes. He reaches forward and grabs CHRISTINE firmly by the wrist. CHRISTINE gasps and wets her panties some more.

RIDDICK: "I am your Angel of Music . . .come to me Angel of ... fuck that shit. Come here babe. You're mine now. And I'll ghost that mother if he keeps banging on the door..."

Director: "CUT THAT SCENE, STOP! Mr Riddick! Mr Riddick?"

To cameraman 1: "Where have they gone?"

**The Lake Scene.**

A while later, Riddick and a very disheveled Christine are found in a dressing room. Cameraman 1 notices the becoming bloom on Christine's cheeks and hears the make-up artist complaining about bite marks on her neck. He winks at Riddick and Riddick gives him his trademark deadpan expression. Cameraman 1 looses his grin and looks worried.

The shooting starts again.

Riddick drags the dreamy eyed and befuddled looking Christine behind him, the scene continues normally.

CHRISTINE: "In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came…"

Riddick mutters something about stupid chicks not recognizing a real fuck when it hits them in the dressing room. Christine pays him no attention and concentrates on her singing; while staring dreamily at the decor.

Riddick wonders if he'll have to duck again this time, or if the stupid fucks of the production team will get the herse up in time.

He continues steering the boat and remembers just in time to growl, "SING FOR ME." _…babe. Remember how you sung just a while ago? Hmmmm…_

"Sing once again with me, our strange duet. My power over you grows stronger yet…"

_he he he. And you fuckin' better believe it._

"…and though you turn from me to glance behind…"

A_re you kidding? Never turn your back on me. Whoever wrote this shit needs survival lessons_

"…the Phantom of the Opera is there, inside your mind..."

_Now you're talking. I'm in your mind alright. And soon I'll be 'in ' elsewhere. I'll be so 'in' you won't ever get me 'out' again…_

As Riddick's voice clearly transmits his intentions, Christine goes cross-eyed again and shifts around in the boat until her white stockings become apparent. She is now sitting with her knees up, legs in white stockings on display and Riddick can smell just how happy she is to be with him.

Riddick hides a grin and purrs

"Sing, my angel of music...

Sing, my angel...

Sing for me...

Sing...

Sing, my angel...

Sing for me!"

Christine has her back to the camera or we would ALL see her drooling. Her voice gets noticeably higher too.

Riddick jumps out of the boat and prowls around the Phantom's secret place, curiously touching things, then he spots the mirrors AND the bed.

_Perfect._

He turns back to Christine, "I have brought you to the seat of sweet music's throne

To this kingdom where all must pay homage to music, music...

You have come here for one purpose and one alone

Since the moment I first heard you sing, I have needed you with me to serve me, to sing for my music, my music..."

_What's with all this ghey music shit? These people need a life._

Impatient, he gestures to her to get the hell out of that boat.

_What the fuck you think you're doing there, chickie? Sitting with your hot legs open like that? You don't know who you're fuckin' with._

Christine gets up and stumbles up the beach, looking more vacuous than ever.

_Uh uh, wheel is still turning but the hamster died some time ago? No problem. It's not your brains I brought you here for, babe._

Riddick decides to speed things up a bit.

"Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation…

…darkness stirs and wakes imagination…"

_You're not afraid of the dark, are ya._

"...Silently the senses abandon their defenses..."

_Woo-hoo, now we're talking._

He puts both big, callused hands on her waist and starts sniffing her hair and neck. Christine swoons and her head falls back on his chest.

"…Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour, grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.."

He rubs at her from behind. _Feel that Baby? That's 7 inch guaranteed pure Riddick._

"…Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!

Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!

Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before...

…Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation…"

_Y__esss. Just like that. Now lets walk the hell over there babe while I still can walk…come on… that's it… just a few more steps…to the mirror… good girl._

Christine, totally under his power, walks with Riddick to the mirror and, instead of the expected white wedding gown, she sees herself clothed in black shiny leather Dominatrix garb, hair all over the place, wearing a garter-belt, a whip and a red veil, with Riddick grinning at her over her shoulder. She does what any self-respecting Romance-heroine is supposed to do in such a case – she faints dead away.

Unmoved Riddick watches her flop to the ground, then bends, grabs her long hair and starts dragging her to the bed while grunting out his next lines.

"Let the dream begin,

let your darker side give in,

to the power of the music that I write, the power of the music of the night.

You alone can make my song take flight

Help me make the music of the night..."

Hysteric director, jumping up and down, "CUT THAT SCENE STOP! Mr Riddick! Stop that! Mr Riddick! You are supposed to carry her! And what happened to the decor? The decor is all wrong…"

Happy Cameraman 1 surreptitiously switches tapes, already calculating how much money he can make out of that one on e-bay…

The End.

…Feedback?


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